Bathroom Wars
by NeuroticSeduction
Summary: What really happens as our favorite ninja prepare for the day? Oh Kami, Gaara can't find his eyeliner... and Sasuke's hair looks terrible! Fix it, Itachi! Fix it! Sing it, Neji! D8 CRACK OOCness Cowrite with TenSecondTom
1. Hair Curlers, Magic Markers, & Eyeliner

**NS: -sings the 'I was on crack when I wrote this' song- :D No, this was VERY much sleep-induced and goes with my friend, Ten-Second-Tom's fic, 'Mornings With Ninjas'. This was our idea together, but we're putting our own one-shots on our own accounts. This is MAJOR MAJOR crack, I warn you now. For now, it's a one-shot, but if I write another installment, I'll tack it on here and chapter two. Oh, and it wasn't TOO long ago that I wrote this...but I'm just now typing it and getting it up! **

**  
****OMG I DON'T OWN NARUTO! ...DUH. :)****  
**

**Bathroom Wars  
Series: Naruto  
Pairings: None  
Warnings: CRACK and language  
Summary: What really happens as the sand siblings prepare for the day? Oh Kami, Gaara can't find his eyeliner... CRACK OOCness one-shot complete  
Start Date: 2/10/07  
Finish Date: 2/10/07  
Inspiration: Sobe and Snickers**

It was a normal morning in the Land of Wind, the villagers of Sunakagure sleeping peacefully at such an early hour. However...in the house of the Shukaku, things were not so calm...

"Dammit, Temari! Get your fat ass outta the bathroom! My hair takes way longer than yours to fix!" a very angry Gaara screeched, beating balled fists on the bathroom door. From the other side, Temari kicked the wood in response.

"Shut up! I can't get these stupid quadruple ponytails straight!"

"It's your fault for having such a retarded hairstyle! Were you on crack when you came up with it?!" Yawning and scratching lazily at the unkempt mess of brown hair, Kankuro stepped up behind his brother.

"What's going on?" Gaara spun around, hands on his hips, scowl plastered on his face.

"Fatass won't get out of the fucking bathroom." Kankuro eyed the pink curlers in his younger brother's hair.

"...yeah. We _have_ another one."

Gaara sucked in his teeth. "How can you be so insensitive?! My beauty supplies are all in THERE! Although, why Porky didn't just use the other one is beyond me! Hear that, bacon bits?!" The door swumg open ad out burst Temari with her hair in 9 randomly placed pigtails. Kankuro promptly fell into a fit of giggles, erupting into full-throated laughter.

"Move, Pumba." Gaara demanded and pushed Temari out of the way. As soon as he was inside the bathroom, he slammed the door shut and locked it. After a few minutes of rummaging, Gaara's voice was finally heard.

"WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY EYELINER?!" Kankuro and Temari eyed each other and shrugged. Half of the curlers taken out, Gaara punched through the bathroom door, sending splinters of wood sailing everywhere.

"My eye!" Kankuro screeched and fell backwards onto the floor, clutching his face. Temari ducked behind a couch. Gaara's eyes changed and an evil chakra gathered around him. His right arm transformed into that of Shukaku and drool poured from his lips as he muttered incoherent speech. Gaara reared back on his heels and roared, prepared to attack when something fell from beside his head. He eyed it and smiled, turning back to normal. He then picked it up and trotted happily back to the bathroom.

Kankuro, who was still blind from the wood in his eyes, perked his head up causiously. "What...happened...?"

Temari's chest heaved up and down dangerously, "The eyeliner was...behind his ear..." she gasped and leaned on the couch. "...damn."

45 Minutes Later

Kankuro and Temari sat together in the livingroom, applying each other's make-up (although Kakuro's took a great deal more work) while 'The Internet Is For Porn' blared in the background. Temari had to constantly remind her brother to please not sing while she did his face. While they were busy with that, Gaara was nowhere in sight, and when he finally did appear, he seemed stressed.His pale hand ran up through his hair.

"Hey Kanki, can I borrow you red magic marker? Okay, thanks, Batman." Gaara boasted without awaiting a reply and turned towards his brother's room.

"Wait, what do you need a marker for?" Gaara turned and gave him a dumb look, then lifted the red hair off the left side of his forehead--to reaveal that his 'tatoo' was smeared from one side to the other.

"You think this shit draws itself on?"

**NS: I know it's REALLY short, but I thought it was pretty funny and I needed to put it up so I don't lose it. It's a LOT different than all my other fics and stuff, but I still enjoyed doing it. R&R! **


	2. Purple, Ne?

**Authors note--- Ok. So yea. This is pretty much awesome packed into one small, excrutiatingly short one-shot type thing. Only, its like a bunch of one shots…Um yea. So My friend NeuroticSeduction, She's kinda awesome. And she helped with the ideas for the morning things. So shes going to put this up along with her morning, with gaara. Visa-versa. I hope you all like!!**

Mornings with Ninjas-  
Series-Naruto  
Pairings-None…Well, Itachi/Sasuke  
Warnings-This was made while on crack. (fo serious? No. Jebus.)  
Inspiration-CRACK! AND…rootbeer…..and some mango…yea.  
****

NS: This is mah friend's oneshot (as you can see), but I'm adding it on to mine and she's adding mine to hers! So...yah.

Sasuke groaned, smashing a pillow on his face. The off tune voice of Itachi singing, "I feel pretty" from the bathroom came floating into the room. "ITACHI! SHUT THE HELL UP!" He yelled angrily.

"Its ritual!!!!!! If my nail polish isn't perfect, they'll know it's not natural!!!" He whined.

Sasuke grimaced, as he trudged into the bathroom. "AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Itachi screamed. "What." Sasuke yawned.

"YOUR HAIR! IT'S A MESS!!! OH DEAR GOD! I NEED GEL! AND LOTS OF IT!!!!!!!!!"

Sasuke looked into the mirror, his eyes widening at the sight of what was supposed to be his hair. "GEL!! ITACHI!! FIX IT!! AH AHHHH... FIX IT FIX IT!!!"

Itachi pulled out the purple gel from his purple make-up bag that was next to his purple nail polish remover that was covered by lavender perfume. He stuck two fingers in the goo, and slopped it into Sasuke's hair, Trying his best to get it to its normal spike in the back, while sasuke freaked out over the hair straightener taking to long to heat up.

Once the mess on his head was fixed he sighed, admiring the work of art that was now his hair.

"That's better... But I think it needs more purple..." Itachi mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing!" He grinned sheepishly.

A smile spread across Sasuke's face, as he saw His older brother pull out a black eye pencil.

"Itachi, can I put it on you!!! I need to practice!!! Its for cosmetology school!!"

"Um...No."

"Please?"

"No"

"PLEASEEE?!?"

"I SAID NO, BITCH!"

"...ok..."

Sasuke sulked quietly away, feeling shunned by the "eviler than snake boy" brother of his.

Itachi grumbled curse words under his breath, as the song changed to Barbie girl.

"I'm a Barbie boy!

In a ninja worrrlldddd.

Life being evil,

Is totally weevle!!!"

Itachi sang happily.

Sasuke arched an eyebrow, and peeked into the bathroom. "Weevle is NOT a word."

"Yes. Yes it is."

"Oh ya?" Sasuke asked.

"Use it in a sentence."

"Ugh, fine, 'That hair, is so totally weevle.' Happy?" He asked grimacing.

"You suck."

"No YOU suck."

"Who TOLD YOU?!?"

"What?"

"Nothing!!"

"Damn you Kisame...You and your big mouth." he groaned.

"Well, I have to hate you today. That's what they all think. So, I will see you for dinner when I run away from that pink haired chick and my boyfriend naruto... I mean, Friend...That's a boy..."

"Ya...Like Kisame...He's a friend... That's a man...He's a man friend."

"Kay, bye."

"Bye..."

END.


	3. The Neji Dance

**NS: oo uhm read and review...**

**  
****OMG I DON'T OWN NARUTO! ...DUH. :)******

**Bathroom Wars  
Series: Naruto  
Pairings: uhm...none?  
Warnings: CRACK, M rated content  
Summary: oo...i don't even know...  
Start Date: 12/17/07  
Finish Date: 12/17/07  
Inspiration: crackness in life...xD**

Lee sat nervously waiting for Neji to return to the room. He had left a few minutes earlier and told him to wait right there. So he did. Finally, Neji returned. And frankly, Lee's bulge burst from his spandex and through the ceiling, to which moans from Sasuke and Itachi upstairs could now be heard.

Neji waltzed into the room--No, I take that back. Neji _pranced _into the room, dressed as...well, what appeared to be a doe. And for some unknown reason, over the costume, he wore a pair of Spongebob boxers, with the big yellow crackhead's face plastering the front of them.

Smoke rolled into the room and flashing colored lights came from nowhere, along with a heavy gay club techno beat shaking the walls. Entering through the smoke on either side of the deerboy was Gaara and Gai-sensei in similar outfits.

The music stopped and another beat began. A more familiar tune. Lee gasped

"No...its not...oh, god! It is!"

Neji stepped forward and began to sing.

"I come home in the morning light. My mother says, "When you gonna live your life right?" Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones, and girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun!" Oh god...Gaara stepped forward...

"The phone rings in the middle of the night. My father yells, "What you gonna do with your life?" Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one, but girls they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have--"

Lee fell on his face and began convulsing in a puddle of his own blood and semen, the final singer skipped, yes I said _skipped_, up to him. Gai ran his finger down the bridge of Lee's nose and over his lips, then to his own face, holding his cheek with his hand. He took a deep breath and in a high-pitched tone, he belted out...

"Some boys take a beautiful girl, and hide her away from the rest of the world. I want to be the one to walk in the sun. Oh girls they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have--"

The music stopped abruptly, along with the smoke machine and lights. Lee, however, did not notice, for he passed out from a combination of lack of blood to his brain, for it was all inside his massive techno-induced, giant, canada-sized, spandex _un_covered man-pole, and exhaustion from all the rather vigerous pumping.

The other three glanced around, trying to see why everything had ceased, until the culprit stepped into the room. They gasped, then hit the floor, covering their heads with their hands.

"We're sorry pimp-daddy Kisame!" They pleaded, and each endured a long night of mind-blowing, porno-grade, fish-man, cheesecake, doggie-style, arabian goggle _sex_.

**NS: ROFL! God, I'm so fucking retarded...well, anyways. Review! **


End file.
